*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
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“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?