The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
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[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
Important
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?