[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
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Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
*lint rolls you awake*
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.