A ghost story
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o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days