I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
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Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
And they lived apathetically ever after.
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*