*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
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Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today