If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
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I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
#have a #great #PancakeDay
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
My dryer is celebrating lint.
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
Me sliding into hell like
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
I don’t think my car can fly
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.