ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
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Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
i want to work in this restaurant
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
Do not levitate over flowers
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.