My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
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Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
My neck, my back, my…
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.