DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
You Might Also Like
My friend is an excellent librarian.
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
Maths meets science
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.