So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
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#inspiration #foodforthought
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
The best plant holders?
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
my favorite genre of twitter
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.