DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
You Might Also Like
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
Jesus steals the winter solstice
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on