I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
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I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.