But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
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FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
Perfect.
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.