When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
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I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
Try and stop me.
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace