Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
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Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
Netflix and scream at our children?!
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
I’m not stressed
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.