Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
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what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
this is uni
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*