Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
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attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.