Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
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Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?