Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
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The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*