I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
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me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”