Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
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Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
sounds kinky. i’m in.
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
what my late-night hot pocket sees
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well