Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
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When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
Danger is very dangerous
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈