14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
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Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.