My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
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dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
I wish all tests were things you peed on
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry