FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
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How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday