Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
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We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.