No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
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when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”