They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
You Might Also Like
why no one uses midhusbands
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
some Old Testament wisdom
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
Coffee is ready.
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*