If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
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“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.