I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
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What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
Spell check is for lasers.
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?