I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
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Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
Nose
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
starting a garage orchestra
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it