8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
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Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.