i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
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I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
WTF
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
Cinematography is my passion
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter