Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
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Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night