Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
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Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
2023 was just a warmup
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.