You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
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Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
[my wife wants an expensive audi]
ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each
HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?
ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each
[an hour later]
ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
so much to do
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
And then there were 4
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.