“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
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What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?