I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
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“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.