Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
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[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
me after drinking all the wine:
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
this was the best i’ve ever seen
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
That’s not how days work.
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
#math
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.