When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
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People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grassThings my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat foodColour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and whiteSynopsis: My cat is a cow
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”