coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
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Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..