If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
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I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
Stop sending me this shit.
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
May your day taste like creamy soup.
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
can’t bark with your mouth full
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this