Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
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This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
even bears disappoint their mothers
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.