Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
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me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not