[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
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I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.