*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
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DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
The Weeknd is back
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
I’m going to need a moment here.
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking