*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
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[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
For when Tinder doesn’t work
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.