Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
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Ghost costume 😂
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!