This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
You Might Also Like
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
the pigeons are already plenty salty
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*